I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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