Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
