if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
