I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
