my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
