Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
