Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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