First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
