I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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