it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
