It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
