ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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