Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
