I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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