Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize