and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
