I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I did not marry a roomba.
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