I seem to have left my pride at pride
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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