I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
