my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
