I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
