I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My feet surprised me
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
