i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
