Got a toothbrush?
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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