Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
