I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
