When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize