I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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