you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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