I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
