Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
