I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
