the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
