good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize