my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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