I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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