Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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