It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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