I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
