Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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