Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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