Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
