I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
