dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
