I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
