Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
