dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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