Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
