Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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