party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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