my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
It's blow job season.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
