you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
