Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Randomize
