Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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