i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
