Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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