i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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