Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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