My sheets look like a crime scene.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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