i barfeds in our rink
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
