This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
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