i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
