he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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