dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
